(That’s 2025 for those of you who didn’t go to Catholic school.)

I’m not alone thinking that Descartes got it backwards. He said cogito ergo sum or “I think therefore I am.” It seems like it ought to be sum ergo cogito, or “I am therefore I think.”

This is the source of all our troubles: we think too much.

Either way, whether you cogito first or not, there’s just too damn much of it. Cogitating, that is.

But I’ve come to the rescue. My first, only, and last New Year’s Resolution is/was to quit goofing off on this blog and do something constructive. So, I have. I invented a new thing. I call it EUMENTICS™. Now, you can use it, but you have to give me credit. I mean, it’s free. (But you have to give me credit. That’s what the ™ stands for: This is Mark’s.)

Anyway, EUMENTICS™ is my new self-help system. The name comes from the Greek “eu-” meaning “well” and the Latin “ment-” meaning “mind.” So EUMENTICS™ is a mental health program. It’s very simple. All you have to do is follow the instructions I deliver here on the blog each week.

(And if you benefit from my program and wish to include me on your yearly donation list, please note I accept only greenbacks and do not write receipts, thank you.)

It’s a post-truth world, my friends. You need to shine a flashlight into all that darkness out there. This is where EUMENTICS™ comes in! Like all good systems, we start small and work our way up. You learn one key mental health lesson each week. At the end of the year your wellness will be off the charts!

Today we have a bonus—not one but TWO lessons. Are you ready?

Lesson One: always watch sports with the sound off.

I mean, really, this one is almost no advice at all. You should have been doing this already! What were you thinking listening to all that inane babble from weird guys in nice suits and bad shoes? Goodness. I recommend (note: ‘recommendations‘ don’t have to be followed, just the ‘lessons’) making up your own commentary. Or getting shitfaced and listening to Captain Beefheart. Anything. Anything at all. Guaranteed mental health improvement, and I mean that in a strictly money-back guarantee kind of way.

Lesson Two: never watch sports.

OK, if you have to, but be sure to follow Lesson One. Those of you who know me know I’m a lifelong San Francisco Giants baseball addict. It’s a curse. A monkey on my back. But I’m dealing, man. I’m coping. I’m going all-in on EUMENTICS™ for this one, not to worry.

I’m happy to update Lesson Two. That’s the best thing about EUMENTICS™, that creativity and spontaneity are encouraged. I haven’t even gotten to the end of the post and I’ve already changed my mind a half dozen times. That’s very eumentical, I should say. Flexibility in the face of feedback. In this case, I can already hear what you are saying.

Lesson Two: never watch TV

See, that takes care of the sports junkies. If there is no TV at all, then they don’t have a case. They aren’t being discriminated against. Everyone else suffers, too! And you gotta have some suffering or else no one will take EUMENTICS™ seriously.

Speaking of seriously, I suppose I’ve gone too far with Lesson Two. Let’s re-write it.

Lesson Two: always watch TV when in the grip of a mild hallucinogen.

A gummy, for example. Stronger stuff will make you psychotic. You just need a gentle reminder that everything you see is packaged for your entertainment. That little black box smooths off the rough edges of life and presents it homogenized and pasteurized and emulsified into intellectual Cheez Whiz. And despite our deepest desires, man cannot live on Cheez Whiz alone.

So, tune in next week for more solid advice. As soon as I come up with Lesson Three you’ll be the first to know. Be sure to tell your friends about EUMENTICS™ and be just as sure to give me credit.